And See The Place Where You Used To Live
by xRainDancerx
Summary: It's been over ten years since Levi had last seen Eren, since he'd left him crying on his mother's doorstep. But despite all the time that has passed Levi can't seem to forget him, his heart still holding on to the love that had once been
1. Chapter 1

Sequel to And Sometimes You Close Your Eyes. I would say you probably have to read it for this make sense

www . fanfiction s / 10436003 / 1 / And-Sometimes-You-Close-Your-Eyes

...

Levi grunted as his foot skidded across the floor, the full force of his sparring partner hitting him made him wobble but it was not enough to send him to the ground. It never was.

"Give it up." Levi laughed as Eren tried to swing his foot out to catch the back of Levi's ankles. He failed spectacularly again.

"No." He shook his head, taking a step back to think of a new attack. "I will get you this time."

Levi rolled his eyes but let the other man think up tactics in his head all the same, they went through this every few months. Whenever Levi was going outside the walls, Eren would appear and beg to practise sparring. In a strange way it released all the tension and fear they both had, but deep-down Levi knew it wasn't the healthiest of ways to do so. Especially as the kicks and hits became more than just playful, Levi knew it was more than just worry Eren was working through.

Just as Levi predicted, Eren began kicking with very little finesse or skill, making the blows very easy for him to dodge.

"Stay focused." Levi coached. "You're not thinking. What is your opponent's weakness? Use it against them."

Eren growled and began throwing punches, how he thought this would work better Levi wasn't sure but he went through the motions of avoidance anyway.

Finally growing bored, Levi grabbed one of his fists and twisted it behind Eren's back, trapping him and stopping the pointless attacks.

"How are you so good at this?" Eren asked through gritted teeth.

"I've been doing man to man combat since before you shot out your Dad's cock." He joked.

"For one so small, you're very smug." He smirked. Levi blanched slightly at the comment, Eren often got irritated when he didn't win but he never insulted Levi.

Using his confusion to his advantage, Eren reached behind him with his spare hand and grabbed Levi. He barely had time to react to the move before he was being pulled around Eren and thrown the floor, the younger man climbing on top to hold him in place.

"You need to stay focused, Corporal." Eren teased, squeezing both the wrists he had pinned to the ground.

"Fuck off." He hissed, fighting the restraints to no avail. "You played dirty."

"Know your partners weaknesses and use it again them." He grinned in victory.

"Alright, you win." Levi reluctantly laughed, the little brat had vested him. "Now let me up."

"Nope."

"Why not?" He frowned.

"Because then I couldn't do this." Eren said, before leaning down and kissing Levi.

Levi moaned at the familiar feeling of Eren's lips, it didn't matter how many times he got to kiss and touch the other man he still adored the feeling. Being with Eren always felt like a first, it was always exciting and sent sparks coursing through his whole body. He wasn't sure what he did to deserve such an incredible lover but he was thankful for it each and every day.

"I love you." Eren whispered against his lips.

"I know." He replied, chasing those slowly retreating lips.

"And you?" He frowned.

"I can't say it, not now. It wouldn't be fair." Levi admitted, already missing Eren's warmth as he climbed off him.

"Yes, it would!" He exclaimed in disbelief as Levi sat up too. "I don't care if you say it and then we die hours later, it wouldn't matter. I just want to know that you feel it. It would be worse to never know, to lose you and never know how you really felt about me."

"But you do know." He groaned, how they could have the same argument over and over always confused him. "They're only words after all, you know how I feel."

"No, I don't." He shouted. "I assume and I fool myself into thinking I'm right but I'm sick of it. I know it's hard for you but stop leaving me outside. If you don't feel it then that's fine but just fucking tell me, I'm fed up of this weird, allusive act you've got. We've been together two years now, I deserve the truth."

Levi blinked at the outburst, he knew he felt it, he knew he loved Eren but the words scared him. Once they were said they could never be taken back, another kink to add to his armour.

"Love is not a weakness." Eren mumbled, almost reading his mind. "It's a strength, together we are something special not something to be scoffed at."

Levi ran his fingers through his hair, it was easy for Eren. He was so open with his feelings, he wore his heart on his sleeve for the world to see. He didn't care who read his emotions, he showed them with pride. It was a strength Levi craved but didn't seem to have but Eren deserved the truth, deserved the same devotion in return for all he gave.

"Jesus, I love you brat." Levi admitted, an invisible weight lifted off his shoulders. "I love you so fucking much but I don't deserve to."

Eren smiled wide at the words, tears building in his eyes that he would furiously deny as he threw himself at Levi. Kissing him anywhere he could find his skin.

"You do deserve me." He promised through the kisses. "You will always deserve me."

"And I will always love you." He smiled, the words coming easier now.

"Then why did you leave me?" Eren asked, voice suddenly cold.

"What?" Levi frowned. "I didn't."

Suddenly the moment had changed, no longer on the grass outside the castle but next to a car. Eren's clothes changed, jeans and hoodie replaced what had once been his uniform, his face the same but his eyes hollow.

"You promised me Levi." He said. "You promised to love me in every lifetime."

"I will, I do." Levi swore, his voice sounding younger somehow.

"You've left me Levi." Eren screamed. "You left me."

…

Levi woke up panting, a cold sweat dripping down his back as he sat up in bed. He took a deep breath as he set his head in his hand, he was at home he reminded himself, he was in his bed.

"Fucking dreams." Levi muttered to himself, getting a soft mewl from his cat Titan, obviously struggling to sleep through all the movement.

He mindlessly ran his fingers over his black coat, the purr relaxing him as his mind still recalled the hazy memories of his dreams.

Levi hated the dreams, a strange memory that would never leave him but he knew he was too old to believe in such a fantasy. He was in his twenties now, older, mature. Not the naïve little boy who believed in the walls, who believed the tainted words his babysitter had once told him.

"Levi?" Petra yawned, finally noticing her boyfriend sat up and breathing heavily in their bed.

"I'm fine." He croaked.

"Dreams again?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded.

"Come here." She smiled, holding her arms open.

Without hesitation he curled into her hold, resting his head against her chest, listening to her soft heartbeat. He felt like a child again, afraid of his own imagination. Flashes of the dream refusing to leave his mind. Those hollow, dark eyes teasing him, mocking him for an obsession with a man he should have forgotten by now.

"Eren again?" Petra asked into the darkness.

"Yeah." He agreed.

Petra knew all about Eren, all about the man he had been in reality but she didn't know about the version of Eren Levi dreamed off. He kept that secret, he didn't want the world to taint what had been, the Eren that loved and cared for Levi so purely that it was impossible to believe they were the same person.

But they weren't, were they? His Eren was make-believe, he was something his confused and ruined mind created when he was younger to deal with the abuse he was going through. Yet, even as an adult he held onto his version of the truth, he still held onto Eren.

"Why didn't your mother ever press charges?" Petra said conversationally, as if they weren't discussing sexual abuse.

"She knew I would never speak out against him." He admitted, even now thinking of Eren as a sexual deviant was hard for him. "She tried to convince me to but I always refused."

"Oh." She said softly.

"At the time I loved him too much to think of what he'd done as wrong." He whispered, ashamed that even now a small, sick part of him still loved Eren.

"Have you considered talking to Hanji?" She asked, quickly changing the subject away from Eren.

"About what?" He frowned.

"Levi." Petra sighed. "Keeping all this stuff inside isn't healthy for you and the dreams are getting more frequent."

"I don't need anyone fucking digging through my mind, especially not Hanji." He scoffed.

"Just try once." She pleaded, running her fingers through his hair in a gesture that always relaxed Levi and made him particularly agreeable.

"Petra." He warned, practically melting when her nails started to scratch his scalp.

"Please, for me." She whined.

"Fine." Levi relented. "Just once though."

"Thank you, Levi." She smiled, pressing a soft kiss onto his forehead, leaving her lips to linger on his slightly clammy skin. "Now try and get some sleep."

He nodded and desperately tried to fall back to sleep but all he could see was Eren, his smile, his kiss, his touch. All those fake memories of their past life always in his mind, refusing to leave.

Slowly Petra's hold around him loosened as she drifted off, her even breathing calming him while simultaneously making him jealous. He wished to be as carefree as her, he wished that his biggest problems were work related drama's that seemed insignificant next week, he wished dark eyes didn't haunt him night after night. He wished he didn't feel guilty for lying in bed with another woman when he had promised to always be by Eren's side, in this lifetime and the next.

Levi felt hot, his bed was overcrowded. Petra curled around his front while Titan curved against his back. And yet, he never felt more alone.

…

Levi lay uncomfortably on the sofa, he was told that this position was actually a myth created by TV and he was welcome to sit up but then he'd have to face her, then he'd have to look her in the eye as he spoke.

He couldn't believe he was really here, that the certificate hanging on the wall actually had the name Hanji Zoe written on it. How had the strange child, who used to eat sponges for dares, managed to get this life? An amazing boyfriend, a solid job and a mortgage on a house. While he, the boy who had been excelling in every subject, is barely able to hold down a job while living in a shitty apartment with a girlfriend who will only be able to tolerate his bullshit for a limited amount of time.

"Say something." Levi snapped, taking out his misplaced anger on his friend.

"I'm not here to talk, I'm here to listen." Hanji calmly replied.

"I'm not used to this, you're being too serious." He frowned finally looking over at her.

"I'm taking this seriously Levi." She smiled softly. "Any maybe afterwards when we leave I'll say something about your shoes against my leather sofa sounding like a fart every time you move. But for now, I'm here to listen."

Levi smiled back, finally relaxing for the first time since he walked into the room. Hanji was one of his oldest and dearest friends, she wouldn't judge him for what he said. She wanted to help him because she loved him, truly loved him. Not the strange, mixed up version of love he believed to be true in his head.

"I was apparently molested as a child." Levi said, dragging his gaze up to the ceiling again. He'd never actually said those words out loud before, he'd spoke of his relationship but he never implied it was wrong. He'd always held the memories through rose-tinted glasses but maybe it was time to let go.

"Why do you say apparently?" Hanji frowned.

"It didn't feel like that at the time." He shrugged, attempting for casual.

"Of course, it didn't, you were in a situation that had been manipulated out of your control. You would have…" She started.

"No, it wasn't like that." He cut her off. "I knew what I was doing, I wanted to do it. I used to push and push for things until he caved and gave me what I wanted."

"Things that he would have planted in your mind." She suppled for him.

"No." Levi shook his head.

"Then how else would you have known about them?" She asked. "He would have exposed you to those ideas, it is not something a ten-year old would think on their own."

Levi thought for a moment about the dreams, he always thought they were things his own subconscious had created, things that he had always desired himself deep down but maybe Hanji was right. Maybe Eren had planted the seeds of lust and waited for Levi to let them grow.

"Levi, I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest." She said. "How do you feel about Eren?"

"I don't hate him if that's what you want me to say." Levi crossed his arms.

"I don't _want_ you to say anything. I just need the truth." She calmly told him.

The question had Levi stumped, how did he really feel about Eren? He was angry with him, he was disgusted with him but that was because others told him he should feel that way. They told him that it was normal to hate him, but he didn't. Despite everything, despite what he was told to think and feel he just couldn't hate Eren.

"I know I should hate him." Levi confessed. "I know I should want to kill the bastard for fucking me up but I don't. I…"

"Levi, this is a safe place." Hanji reassured after a moment of silence. "Everything said will stay in these four walls, when we step through that door we will just be Hanji and Levi again and nothing from in here will be mentioned or judged."

"I still care about him. And I know it's ridiculous, it's been over ten years since I even saw him but I still love that freak who raped me. I still think about him every day. I still find myself counting down the days until we will be together again, as if he's going to appear and whisk me away to a better life. I know I only knew him for a year but I adored him, I felt like we'd know each other a life time, that we were destined to be lovers. And I know it's stupid and naïve to still think back on our time together like that but I do, the part of me that cares for Eren can't grow up and let go of the past. And every fucking day I miss him!" He cried, embarrassingly covering his face with his eyes.

"Levi." Hanji said softly.

"No, don't fucking say anything." He snapped. "I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to talk anymore."

"We don't have to Levi, if it makes you uncomfortable." She agreed.

"You can't make me stay here." He threatened, eyeing up the door from under his arm.

"I know, and I'm not. Even though you have an hour you're free to leave anytime you want."

"Good." He grumbled, but made no attempts to leave.

Instead he lay quietly, watching the clock count down the hour. Never speaking, Hanji never pushing him just giving him the quiet companionship he needed after his confession.

"Your hour is almost up." Hanji finally said.

"Right." Levi nods, his voice hoarse from his silent sobs.

"Same time next week?" She asked.

"Doubtful." He shook his head, finally sitting up. "It was Petra's idea to come."

"It's because she cares." Hanji smiled, _we all care_ added as a silent after thought.

"Or because she's a busy body." He scoffed, his walls back up to avoid any more vulnerability.

"I know it's hard for you to trust her but Petra loves you." She told him, allowing personal life to interfere with their session for the first time.

"Lord knows why." He rolled his eyes, shrugging his jacket back on.

"Because you're a good man Levi, and you may think that you're not worth much but you are. What happened to you does not make you any less of person, any less of somebody to love." Hanji insisted. "And I need you to remember that."

"Thanks." He smiled softly. "I… care about Petra she just…"

 _She isn't Eren._ The thought assaulted his mind before he had a chance to stop it, a cruel reminder that the man still owned him despite all these years.

"I know." Hanji nodded. "But in time we will get there."

Levi shrugged and walked out the door, barely making eye contact with anyone in the waiting room as he left. Not wanted to see their judging eyes, they would all know he was crazy, that he was fucked up in the head. They'd be speculating, what made him so special? Depression? Schizophrenia? OCD? Would any of them be able to work out the truth?

"Hanji." He shouted just as he reached the front entrance, the woman still stood at the reception desk.

"Yeah?" She replied, glancing up at her friend.

"Same time next week?" He repeated shyly.

"Of course." She nodded. "Just wear different shoes, yeah?"

Levi allowed himself a small laugh at her comment and wink before slipping out the door.

…

Levi strode across the car park, recognising the silver car waiting on the other side for him. He had told Petra he didn't need picking up, he was more than capable of walking home himself but he knew she'd ignore him.

In a way it was her way of checking he actually went and didn't spend the afternoon watching trashy TV. He tried his best to ignore that negative thought, to only think of it as his caring girlfriend being there for him but it was all he could hear now. He couldn't ignore the snide voice saying she wanted to change him, she couldn't truly love him until he was fixed.

Petra got out the car before Levi reached her, opening her arms as if she knew he'd broken down. As if she'd been a fly on the wall the whole time and was waiting to be the distraction he needed.

"Hey." He greeted, automatically returning the embrace and losing himself in her scent.

"Hey you." She whispered back.

At times like this he felt normal, all he thought about was Petra, her soft skin, her warm touch. It was as soon as he let her go the thoughts crept in, the horrible truth reared its head again.

"How did it go?" She asked, pulling back a little to see his face.

"Alright, I guess." He shrugged as she brushed his bangs out his eyes.

"Do you think it will help?"

"I don't know." He said but he knew it was a lie.

Despite the fact nothing had changed and he still felt exactly the same as when he walked in to Hanji's office saying the words helped. Somehow, admitting the truth out loud made it less scary, made him actually believe there was a chance to fix him.

"I'll probably go again though." He said casually, knowing the true weight behind his words.

"Good." She smiled, giving him a quick kiss. "Now let's head home and get some food."

"Takeaway?" Levi suggested, walking around the car.

"Sure, don't feel like cooking." She agreed.

Levi groaned as he caught sight of himself in the side mirror, his red rimmed eyes hardly subtle.

"Sorry." Levi mumbled, as if crying made him less of a person.

"You have nothing to apologise for." Petra reassured.

"It's a bit pathetic, isn't it?" He laughed bitterly, turning his attention to the cars driving around them.

Crying in her arms at night was one thing, he could pretend it was just sleep deprivation, that he wasn't in his right mind. But this he couldn't deny, couldn't pretend Eren didn't affect him like he was still a small boy.

"No it isn't. You are stronger for it, trust me." She shook her head, moving her hand from the gearstick to give his knee a light squeeze. "It will get easier to talk about him."

"I guess." He reluctantly agreed, reaching down to hold her hand.

"And in time you will be able to get past what that sicko did to you." She said bitterly, holding more anger towards Eren than Levi ever could.

Because Levi didn't want to get past Eren, he didn't want to forget him. He wanted to hold onto the love they had once shared for the rest of his life.

But he knew he couldn't, it was time to grow up.

…


	2. Chapter 2

…

Erwin had invited him out for coffee, and somehow Levi couldn't help but feel suspicious even though he knew he shouldn't. They were friends, had been for as long as Levi remembered, but he still felt that he was being watched even by Erwin.

It didn't help that the text had been cryptic, _we haven't seen each other in a while._ Levi had resisted the urge to remind Erwin that he, Levi, Hanji and Petra had been out for dinner just the other day. He didn't say anything because he could read between the lines, we have to talk alone was the real message.

Sometimes Levi debated leaving, just grabbing his cat and going. New life, new friends. Nobody would know about his past, how fucked up he truly was. He could just be Levi, nothing more and nothing less.

"Hi." Levi greeted as he grabbed a seat opposite Erwin.

"Hi." Erwin replied with a bright smile. "How are you?"

"Fine." He lied, and they both knew it. How long since he really had been fine? "And you?"

"Yeah, great. I ordered you a black tea by the way." He said.

"Thanks." Levi nodded.

They fell into silence after that, why couldn't they just be two guys who made small talk about work, their girlfriends? Why couldn't they just watch sports and complain about how unfair the referee was? Why was there always a black cloud over them, niggling in the back of his mind?

 _Erwin doesn't know how to speak to you anymore. All he sees you as is a victim. He's only your friend because of guilt, any love he once felt for you left the moment you told him the truth._

He still remembered the day he told him, he'd been fifteen and Erwin was the first person he'd told outside his mother. He wasn't sure what had possessed him to do it, maybe after keeping a secret for so long it just had to come out eventually. And the couple of beers they'd snuck from Erwin's fathers stash probably helped loosen him up.

They were playing video games but Erwin's heart wasn't in it, his mind was elsewhere.

"I think Hanji might like me." Erwin blushed at his sudden confession. "I don't mean to sound big headed but I just get that impression from her."

"Where have you been for the past five years?" Levi rolled his eyes, Mike and he had a bet going to see which of the two of them would crack first.

"Well, I always thought I was just imagining things, projecting what I wanted her to feel because I… well you know how I feel." He pouted.

"You mean your huge ass crush on Hanji." He teased.

"Levi." Erwin moaned, burying his head in his hands in embarrassment. "I'm serious, we've been flirting for a while now. What if she expects us to take to the next level at Mike's party this weekend? What if she tries to kiss me?"

"Then you kiss her back." Levi rolled his eyes, refusing to indulge Erwin's mini panic.

"But I'll just end up doing it wrong." He whined.

"It's not that hard." He shrugged.

Erwin peaked at him through his fingers, assessing him before his next question.

"How do you know? Who have you kissed?" He asked.

"Just some guy." Levi casually replied.

The bisexuality would be no surprise, Levi had expressed his attraction to both males and females plenty of times. The surprise was that he'd acted on this attraction, usually Levi shied away from affection despite his looks and broody attitude making him a popular source of attention.

"And you just kissed?" Erwin narrowed his eyes.

"Not quite."

"Did you have sex with him?" Erwin practically gasped, like a school girl getting the latest juicy gossip.

"Maybe." He half smiled, bright turquoise eyes clouded with lust suddenly appearing in his mind. An expression he thought he had buried way down deep inside.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He frowned, they shared everything why was this relationship any different?

"He was older, thought it was best if we didn't tell anyone." He said, the words feeling bitter on his tongue. So many forbidden touches and embraces that still haunted his thoughts.

"Who is he?" Erwin asked, eyes sparkling as he tried to think of any older men Levi spoke to.

For a split-second Levi was cool, so grown up and mature yet mysterious. A secret romance with an older man, but Erwin's admiration quickly changed at the mention of one name.

"Eren." Levi croaked, a name he hadn't mentioned in five years.

"Eren? As in your old babysitter Eren?" Erwin asked, despite the years the name still rang a bell.

Levi nodded, refusing to meet his eye after that because he knew what he'd see if he did. Disgust. Levi knew their love had been wrong but he didn't feel like that at the time. Even now his heart still yearned for Eren.

"I didn't realise you still saw him." Erwin laughed awkwardly, practically begging Levi to agree with him. Begging him not to be a freak.

"I haven't seen him since I was ten." Levi admitted.

The silence practically crackled after that, the atmosphere thick with the truth. The ugly truth out there for all to see. And when Levi finally looked up he saw something far worse than disgust in Erwin's eyes.

He saw pity.

"Don't look at me like that." Levi snapped. "It's not what you think."

"He raped you Levi." Erwin whispered.

"No!" He growled. "He didn't! He loved me, we loved each other. More than anyone could even begin to understand. So what I was only ten? Age is just a number, it doesn't change anything, doesn't changed how we felt about each other."

"Levi." He said softly.

"I loved him!" He shouted, unsure when the tears had started falling or when he'd been pulled into a hug by Erwin.

"I'm sorry." He soothed. What he was apologising for, Levi wasn't sure. Was it for what Levi had gone through? Or was he sorry he now knew all about the sordid affair and how disgusting his best friend was?

"I love him." Levi whispered into his chest and if Erwin had heard he didn't reply.

They'd never been the same after that night, sure Erwin could pretend but Levi knew his opinion of him had changed. Because Levi had willingly let someone use his body, expose him to a dark yet pleasurable world. And worst of all he didn't, and still doesn't, seem to think it had been wrong. After that day he was treated as if he were made of glass, liable to crack and break at any point. If he could take it back he would, he longed to have his old, easy friendship back again.

"Hanji told me you came to see her the other day." Erwin said conversationally as their drinks arrived, as if they were discussing Levi's mental health.

"Yep." He nodded, taking a sip out of his tea despite it still being too hot.

"And how was it?" He asked. And there was the ulterior motive for this meetup, because just like everyone else he wanted to check on him. Get into his mind and meddle with it, get rid of everything that was wrong with him.

"It didn't magically fix me if that's what you're asking." Levi scoffed.

"You don't need fixing Levi." He shook his head. "You're not broken."

"I don't think anyone else got that memo." He rolled his eyes.

He wished he could share Erwin's optimism but even Levi knew he was broken. He knew it every time he struggled to love Petra, every time he felt bitterness towards his mother for sending Eren away, each night when he still dreamt of the past, or a fantasy – he still wasn't sure.

"Have you told her about the dreams yet?" Erwin asked, causing Levi to look down at the table with a scowl.

"What dreams?" He shrugged, hating how Erwin knew him better than anyone.

"You know what dreams." He said firmly, Levi almost feeling like he was being scolded.

"They don't mean anything." He denied. "They're just dreams."

"Normal people might agree with you, but as the boyfriend of a psychologist who wrote an entire dissertation on the meaning behind dreams I think there might be something more to it." He smiled.

"People have recurring dreams all the time." He crossed his arms.

"Yeah, about freefalling or driving an uncontrollable car. Not about a whole different lifetime." He shook his head.

"Some people are different." He replied defensively, all he wanted was to come out for drink not another therapy session.

"I just think it might help if you spoke to Hanji about is all." Erwin said diplomatically, a sure-fire way to get Levi to bend to his will.

"Look, if I agree to talk to Hanji about the dreams will you agree to drop it?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Fine! Fine." Levi agreed. "I'll tell her, you happy?"

"Thank you." He smiled, taking a long, slow drink of his coffee. A subtle way to tell Levi the conversation was over. "So, Mike's birthday is coming up. Any ideas for a gift?"

Levi allowed a small smile to grace his lips, sure he got angry when Erwin kept digging and got more involved than he needed but he always knew when enough was enough. He knew when Levi wanted to pretend his normal, even if it was just for a while.

"I hadn't thought about it." Levi shrugged. "Was just planning on riding the high of my quality gift from last year."

"Inflatable cock fighting is not that great of a gift." Erwin laughed.

"Did we or did we not have a great night carrying out the Cock Championship?" He smirked.

"We did." He reluctantly nodded.

"Exactly, until your girlfriend got overzealous and broke a lamp." He chuckled at the memory.

"A small sacrifice to make for a victory." Erwin defended.

"Either way, I'm riding that high." He grinned.

"Fine." Erwin sighed, admitting defeat. They both knew Erwin would buy a meaningful gift and put both their names of the label, while Levi would always show up with a gag gift grabbed at the last minute. Why change the habit of a lifetime?

…

Levi was back in Hanji's office, he didn't feel as tense last time. He'd broken the ice and let the floodgates open, what worse could he do now? He felt confident enough to sit up on the sofa and face the woman, but his gaze still flitted around. He couldn't look her in the eye for long.

His promise to Erwin was buzzing around in his head, scolding him for keeping quiet. Why was he so reluctant to share? They were only dreams at the end of the day, nothing significant.

But they weren't just any dreams, they were his dreams, they were special to him and he didn't want Hanji dissecting them and tainting them. They were the only pure things he had left from Eren and he wasn't sure he was ready to give them up. But he knew he had to.

"Do you believe in reincarnation?" Levi asked, cutting off whatever Hanji was saying. He hadn't been listening anyway.

"Reincarnation?" Hanji echoed.

"Yeah." He nodded. "What if we'd all lived before, made promises from before, had regrets from before."

"I suppose I never really thought about." She hummed, truly mulling over the suggestion and not just humouring him like most people did. "I suppose it's possible, we'd never really know."

"But what if we had a way of knowing?" He prompted.

"How?"

"Dreams." He said, finally looking her in the eye. "Almost every night I have these dreams, dreams of a world that once was. We're all there, we always have been since I was just a child. Some people I haven't even met but they're important, significant to the time line somehow."

"And what happens in these dreams?" Hanji asked. "Are we just living normal lives?"

"Not quite." He shook his head, suddenly feeling shy. "There's a war of sorts, its not human though there are these titans, massive titans, that are attacking."

"To dream of giant can mean you are feeling overwhelmed, that a problem is taking up such a huge portion of your life and you are trying to ignore." She recited, Levi having to resist the urge to roll his eyes.

This is why he didn't want to talk about it, because the dreams were so much more than just giants. There were the relationships, the betrayals, the love. These things were almost as important as the giants, if not more so.

"Eren is there." Levi said, hoping this would put an end to her brush off. "In my past life Eren was there too."

"And how long have you been having these dreams?" Hanji leant forward slightly in her chair.

"For as long as I remember, before Eren even appeared." He clarified, before she could write it off as his fault.

"Your relationship with this Eren, it's sexual?" She asked, tentatively.

"It's more than sexual, we're in love." He smiled, wishing he lived in the world in his mind. "But he was younger than me, he's seventeen and I was thirty. I guess it's not that bad but I should have known better, I shouldn't have done what I did to him."

"Levi, if you're trying to justify what happened to you in this lifetime with something that may or may not be nothing more than a dream then I have to disagree." She shook her head.

"I… I took advantage of him." He swallowed. "I knew he worshipped, more as a hero than as the man that I really was but I didn't care. I was this old, grumpy man that nobody would even look twice at until he came along. He didn't just look, he god damn stared. He was attracted to me, everyone could see it but I should have just turned a blind eye to it. Let him get his stupid crush out of his system but I didn't. I forced it into something more."

"And you get all this from a dream?" Hanji frowned slightly.

"Yeah, because it doesn't feel like it's a dream. It feels like I'm really there. I can feel this disgusting lust for the young boy, I watch him all the time. He's training, he's with his friends, he's in the shower and I'm just watching him." Levi scratched at his skin, hating who he used to be. "I didn't even wait for him to confess to me I just told him I know and I'm interested. I'm not even romantic, I just say if he wants a fuck I'm ready and willing."

"Levi, that man in your dreams isn't you." Hanji calmly said, hands itching to reach out and stop the harsh red lines blooming on his skin.

"But what if he is. I took advantage of this poor kid and didn't even care." He shook his head ruefully. "And then I fell in love with him, but I couldn't say anything. How could I? I didn't deserve to love him not after the way I had manipulated the whole relationship. So, I tried to keep it from him, tried to pretend I hadn't fallen head over heels from the insufferable brat. But he knew, he always knew."

"Levi, I know you want to believe that somehow deserve what happened to you but you didn't. You were the victim in all of this, don't forget that. Don't try to justify what happened with a dream. The amount of trauma you were put through your memories could be jumbled, they could have started when Eren started his assault." Hanji said, breaking her rules and moving to the sofa beside Levi, pulling him into a hug without hesitation. Sometimes it was just impossible to draw the line between work and real life.

Levi let her hold him, hating that once again he was crying in his friend's arms. When did he become that person? He used to believe he was strong but every day served as a reminder he wasn't. He knew he could be strong, but the one person who gave him strength was gone and who knew if he would ever come back?

"I died you know?" Levi finally spoke.

"I suppose we all must have if we're here now." Hanji smiled, Levi's hour was up but neither one of them was ready to let go.

"True." He laughed slightly. "But I died in a battle and Eren was there. He made me promise that I would always love him, in this lifetime and the next. And every day all I can think about is how I broke that promise."

"That wasn't really a promise you could keep." She said, gently stroking his hair.

"I know but I still feel guilty, like I have betrayed him. I just want to tell him that my love is still true and that I am waiting for him. But…" He trailed off, scared of the end of that sentence.

"But what?" She prompted.

"But I don't want to love him anymore." Levi cried. "I don't want to be that person anymore, I want to be able to forget about him. I know what we had was wrong but why can't I forget about him?"

"Because you're not ready to let him go yet Levi." Hanji whispered. "I know it's hard to understand but this perfect version of Eren you have, the one that you imagined you tainted is stopping you from moving on. Until you can forget about him you will never forget about the real Eren."

But Levi didn't want to forget his Eren, he wanted to hold onto his Eren forever. He wanted to forget about the Eren of reality, he wanted everyone to forget then maybe he could start to be considered normal again.

…

Eren groaned as he dropped the box in his hands down on the elevator floor, glad he'd finally got to the last of them. Why he had declined Mikasa and Armin's offer to help was beyond him.

He supposed it was because he knew he wouldn't be able to relax once the last box was in with a cold beer and takeaway. He knew Mikasa would nag him, telling him the boxes weren't going to unpack themselves. But after a long day the last thing he cared about was unpacking.

The big bits and his bed were there so what more did he need for his first night? He'd worry about all the bric-a-brac in the morning, or maybe even the day after. As long as it was unpacked for Mikasa's first visit he would get away with it.

"Hold the lift!" A voice shouted just as the doors started to close.

Half of him wanted to just ignore the plea and let the doors shut, the sooner he got to his apartment the sooner he could rest. But he knew he really shouldn't start off on the wrong foot, this could potentially be one of his new neighbours so he better make a good impression.

"Thanks." The woman smiled as she stepped inside.

"No problem." Eren returned the smile, hoping his sweat wasn't making the journey too unpleasant for her.

The woman had short, strawberry blond hair and was quite petite, much shorter than Eren. She looked familiar, but he must have seen her when he came for an apartment viewing.

"So, moving in?" She asked, gesturing towards the box at his feet.

"Yeah, this is the last of them." He grinned, proud of a job well done. "You lived here long?"

"Just over a year." She replied. "It's a nice place."

"That's what I'm hoping." He shrugged before the lift made it to his floor. "See you around."

"I'm sure you will." She smiled as the doors shut.

Eren walked the small distance to his apartment, glad he'd had the smarts to leave the door on the latch to he could just slip in. He made it a few steps before dropping the box on the floor, he was finally all moved in. He deserved a beer.

He grabbed a drink and flopped onto his sofa, using one of his many boxes as a makeshift footrest, finally relaxing.

Despite it being a brief encounter, he couldn't forget that woman, he was sure he knew her. And not just in passing, an honest to god connection to her. Unless, he hadn't known her in this lifetime but in a past life.

He shook his head, he hadn't thought of that for a very long time. Every since he lost Levi he'd long given up on his dreams. Sure, they remained, assaulting his mind night after night of all the things that had once been but that was all they were. Reminders of a better time, not what was supposed to be again.

He was sure what he and Levi had shared had been love, even if they were both young and naïve but maybe they hadn't. Maybe they had just felt a connection because of who they had once been rather than destiny bringing them together. He was nearing thirty now, old enough to realise it wasn't love.

It was what he told himself over and over because it was easier to swallow than the truth. The truth that Levi had given up on him, that he had grown up into a man and never came looking for him, had stopped loving him.

Did he even remember him? Did he stop having the dreams and forget all about Eren? Was he nothing more than a sordid person for his past, to be buried deep inside him and never thought of again?

They'd always believed they'd love each other forever, in this lifetime and the next but maybe that had nothing more than a sweet fantasy. Another promise made to be broken.

…

Levi was relieved to see that Petra was out when he got back, he didn't want to see her right now, he didn't want to see anyone really. He couldn't stop thinking about what he had said to Hanji, how he wished he could stop loving Eren. But he felt like he had only just begun to know him, surely it would be easy to forget someone he didn't know.

He dropped down onto the sofa with a groan, why did it have to be so hard? He'd seen plenty of couples break up before and they all got over it, so why couldn't he? Were he and Eren even a couple to start with? If they were they were hardly a conventional once.

He jolted slightly when he felt his phone vibrate, another person checking up on him no doubt.

"Hello?" He sighed, not even bothering to check caller ID.

"Hi Levi!" His mother greeted him eagerly.

"Hi Mum." He replied, the only person left who just treated him as Levi. Nothing that needed to be changed.

"How's my little prince?" Raquel asked. He smiled at the nickname, although he would deny it he loved it, it made him feel innocent once again. Took him back to a time when life was still happy.

"Alright, been better." There was no point in lying to her, she would always know.

"What is it?" He could hear her frown. "Relationship still?"

"Yeah." Levi agreed, granted she didn't know what was causing the relationship problems but she knew they were there.

"Look Levi, I know I may not be the best advertisement for relationships. Your Dad and I's marriage broke down and all I've had is a string of boyfriends since then but you could make it work. You could find someone worth keeping." Raquel encouraged, she liked Petra but deep in her heart she knew she wasn't the one for Levi. Who this one was remained a mystery but she was sure there was someone, maybe someone he'd met through work she hoped. Because the other option just didn't bear thinking about.

"I know, and I want to love Petra but I can't." He admitted, how could he love someone so toxic with his whole heart but not care for someone wonderful.

"When it's not right, it's not right." She said. "Don't force it, if it isn't working then walk away."

"It's been eight years, I can't walk away." He whispered.

"You can, you always can. Don't wait another eight years if you aren't happy." Raquel told him, but if not Petra who would Levi love? He'd just be in another relationship where Eren haunted them. He couldn't lose a good woman like Petra over a ghost from the past.

"Enough about me." Levi dismissed the conversation, just like he always did. "Tell me about you."

"Well, as surprising as it may be I've met someone." She giggled, just like a school girl with a crush.

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's a doctor thank you very much." She bragged. "I met him in a bar with the girls and he's taking me out for dinner this week. Taking me to Le Cygne, can you imagine?"

"Are you sure they'll let you in?" He teased, it was a very up market restaurant.

"Oh, hush you, I can scrub up as nice as the rest of them." Raquel defended.

Levi laughed as his mum went on about her new man, he hoped it worked out for her. She deserved love, more than Levi did. And yet he had it and she didn't. Why was the world so cruel?

"I'm back." Petra shouted as she let herself in.

"On the phone." He replied, putting a stop to his mother's rant. "Sorry Petra's home."

"Don't worry, I'll leave you to it." Raquel said.

"You don't have to." He offered.

"I've taken up enough of your time already." She laughed. "Send my love to Petra."

"Will do."

"Bye Levi, I love you."

"I love you too." He replied, hanging up the phone. "Mum sends her love."

"How is she?" Petra asked, leaning against Levi.

"Fine, met a new man." He told her. "He's a doctor, she spent about twenty minutes just gushing about him."

"Bless her." She laughed, knowing exactly how Raquel got when she met someone new. "Oh, I met our new neighbour today."

"We have a new neighbour?" Levi frowned, he didn't remember anyone moving out.

"Yeah, not sure where." She shrugged. "He was in the lift with some boxes, got off before me so must be the floor below us."

"Okay." He nodded, if he was being honest he didn't really care about the comings and goings of the people in the building. Petra was a lot more invested in their lives.

"We should probably take him round a house warming gift or something." She suggested.

"I think that is the last thing he wants." Levi scoffed. "He's just moved in, he's probably tired. He doesn't want you and me turning up with a bottle of wine."

"It was just a suggestion." She pouted.

"I know, and a nice one." He kissed her head. "But least let him settle in before we invite him around for tapas."

"Fine." She huffed, letting her hand slide from the sofa onto Levi's leg. "I'm sure we could have more fun if we stayed in anyway."

"I'm sure we will." Levi agreed, but just like always his heart wasn't in it.

…

Levi watched Petra as she gyrated her hips, grinding down onto him in a motion that had been perfected over the years in their relationship. Objectively speaking, she was very attractive. Her breasts were pert, her waist was thin, she knew all the right sounds to make and dirty words to say.

And he couldn't lie and say he didn't enjoy sex with her, because he did. His body always reacted the way it should, it always felt good and he always felt satisfied afterwards. But there was something missing. Something that he couldn't place.

He closed his eyes and imagined larger hands running over his body, tweaking and flicking his nipples because they knew he liked them to be played with – even if he didn't admit it. He imagined sharp teeth biting down on his neck, claiming and possessive as a deep voice growled – far to rough for Petra. He imagined watching a back flex as they rode his cock – Levi was always an ass man.

But the person in his imagination wasn't Petra, it never was. It always was and always would be Eren.

He always knew what Levi wanted, when he wanted it hard and rough, when he wanted it slow and loving. When he wanted to be spoilt and receive or when he wanted to pamper and give.

He's close, he knows he is. He always gets there quicker if he uses his imagination. He can tell Petra is close too, the way her hips buck is always a sign.

He bites his lip hard, an expression that looks like the pleasure is so intense it's almost unbearable, but in truth it's so he doesn't accidentally shout of the wrong name. He practically blacks out with the power of his release, those turquoise eyes watching him with mirth as he does.

Moments later, Petra collapses next to him. Breathless and sated. She looked at him with a sly smile, clearly not as satisfied as Levi had once thought. But a small creature decided to ruin the moment. A loud cry followed by scratches at the bedroom door distracted them.

"Titan." Levi muttered under his breath.

"He's your cat." Petra sighed, rolling onto her side.

Levi knew he couldn't ignore the scratching and crying, Titan was a persistent cat and he would not give up for a while. He rolled out of bed, ignoring the cold air nipping at his sweat covered body.

Once the door was open Titan purred loudly, winding around Levi's legs before leading him to the kitchen, sitting beside his bowl with expectant eyes. All that fussing for a little bit of food.

As Levi went into the cupboard for the food he felt the disgust creeping in, out of the warm glow of ecstasy he began to hate himself all over again. Even when they were intimate Levi still dreamt of Eren, still longed for his touch over all others.

He wondered how Petra would feel if she knew that she had constant competition. Every milestone, every moment they shared Levi compared it, imagined what it would be like if he was sharing it with someone else.

She'd be sickened, he knew she would. Everybody would be, to know the Levi still held Eren atop of a pedestal that was could never be toppled.

Petra deserved better, she deserved to be loved and maybe Levi's mother was right she deserved to be set free but he just couldn't do it. He couldn't be alone again. The nights were too hard, the truth was too harsh, the past too bitter.

So he held on, even though he knew he wasn't worthy he just held on.

…


	3. Chapter 3

…

Eren knew he was being judged, he always was. He could practically see the thoughts flying around in Mikasa's head. He was being judged for still renting terrible apartments rather than getting himself on the property ladder like any self-respecting person in their early thirties. For not having a serious relationship his whole life, just bed hopping when the mood took him. For not caring his job was dead-end and he'd reached about as high as he could go. For still obsessing about a person he should have long forgotten, but he wasn't sure just how much of that Mikasa was aware of.

But what Mikasa didn't realise was Eren was only existing, he was not really living. And he hadn't been since he drove away from Levi.

"It's nice." Armin smiled, but he could tell it was fake. He couldn't live with Mikasa this long and not be influenced by her way of thinking.

"Hmm." Mikasa hummed non-committedly.

When Armin had first come to Eren, fumbling and stuttering as he attempted to ask for permission to date Mikasa he has almost laughed in the poor boy's face. Mikasa was more than capable of taking care of herself, she didn't need her brother to protect her. But Armin was old-fashioned and Mikasa's relationship with her father had been strained at the best of times, up to the moment he walked out. So, he'd agreed, silently giving the relationship a month tops but they'd made it work.

Now they lived together, a small two-bedroom house they were only just making the mortgage on with a ring on Mikasa's finger and plans for a small wedding. They were happy.

Eren often wondered if this is what they had been lacking before, if the reason they had never been content in their past lives because they'd never found each other in a sense. He was pleased they had finally realised what they needed, even they both had to die to make it work the second time around.

Maybe that is how karma worked, you got a once in a lifetime chance and if you messed it up that was your lookout. Levi and Eren messed up their first chance and they just weren't destined to have another one.

"We should celebrate!" Armin announced, heading towards the fridge to grab the champagne he had put in there earlier.

"Hmm." Mikasa hummed again, nodding at Armin.

"I know it's not much but it's just a stepping stone." Eren attempted to enthuse her but even he realised the building was full of either the very young who couldn't afford any better or the ever old – who coincidently couldn't afford any better.

"You said that about the last place." She replied, probably the first full sentence she had uttered since entering the apartment.

"It's all I can afford right now." He shrugged, he had a young face so nobody in the building had bat an eyelid at his arrival.

"I wonder why that is." She rolled her eyes.

"Just drop it." He snapped. Granted his work wasn't great but it paid the bills – just – and he enjoyed it for the most part. He was branch manager for an electrical store, it had started out as a job to keep him busy but it turned out with Levi gone he had little ambition so he just worked through the ranks. But without any qualifications he plateaued and hadn't had a pay increase in months.

She opened her mouth to respond but the sound of Armin screeching and overflowing champagne cut her off.

"I can never do this." They heard him mutter to himself.

"We better help him before he gets in a bigger mess." Eren suggested, effectively ending the conversation.

As they headed into the kitchen to the kitchen Mikasa stroked his back, it was a silent apology and the best he was ever going to get from her.

"All done." Armin smiled, three very bubbly glasses in front of him.

"Thanks." Mikasa took a glass, waiting for the foam to settle before she took her first sip.

"Let's have a toast." Armin suggested, holding up his glass and thrusting another into Eren's hand.

"To what?" He asked.

"To you! You've got a lovely new apartment in a decent area and I'm at least 98% sure the people below you don't have a weed farm like last time. It's closer to work and doesn't smell suspiciously like someone died in it! Congrats." He beamed.

"You always did love a speech." He rolled his eyes playfully before taking a gulp of his drink.

"We should go out." Mikasa said, her eyes sparkling that had Eren cringing. He knew exactly what she wanted to do and he wasn't in the mood.

"I'm beat to be honest." He replied. "I've spent the past three days unpacking, I'm in the mood to stay in."

"Come on." She urged. "We haven't been to a bar in ages."

"True." Armin nodded, already weighing up the pros and cons of going out.

"Not tonight, let's just have takeaway like we originally planned."

"Or we could go out for dinner then go to Dandelion afterwards. I'll pay." She flashed a smile, knowing Eren couldn't refuse. Especially as Armin loved the gin selection there.

"Fine." He sighed.

"Yes!" Armin cheered. "I'm barely half way through their menu and I need to sample every gin."

"Don't get too drunk." He rolled his eyes, the amount of times he'd had to carry Armin out of Dandelion was far too high. His back ached from all the boxes he'd carried these past couple of days, he could really do without Armin's weight added to the pain.

…

Armin was practically bouncing in the lift down, who'd have guessed he would have turned into such a gin fiend in his late twenties.

"We've got dinner with your parents tomorrow." Mikasa reminded him.

"So? It's not until the evening." Armin replied, deflating slightly.

"All day hangovers." Eren chimed in.

"Ugh." He groaned. "Remember when we used to drink then go to work in the morning? Now I'm lucky if I can get out of bed."

"Thirties man, it's hard." Eren shrugged.

"Please, you're both _just_ in your thirties." She rolled her eyes, despite her slightly older age she still managed to bounce back quicker than Eren and Armin ever did.

"Getting old is shit." Eren moaned.

"Tell me about it." Armin sighed.

"Lighten the attitude, I'm not sitting by while you two drunk cry. Again." She crossed her arms.

"Come on, how many times has that happened?" Armin smiled.

"At least seven." She quipped.

"Wow. Least it's not double digits yet." Eren joked.

"We have a goal!" Armin exclaimed.

"Lord help me." Mikasa muttered as they left the lift.

Just as they were walking out of the building that strawberry-blonde woman was walking in, Eren had seen her around quite a few times and each time she had to annoyingly make small talk with him. He appreciated her effort but he wasn't really here to make friends.

Each time they spoke that strange familiarity surrounded him, he was sure he knew her but why? Who was she?

He offered her a small smile hoping it would be enough for her but she stopped dead in her tracks at the gesture and struck up a conversation.

"Hi, how are you?" She beamed, Mikasa and Armin eyeing up the young girl.

"I'm good thanks, you?" Eren replied.

"Great, going out tonight for a friend's birthday." She said, holding up a gift bag. "What about you?"

"Just going out to celebrate the move." He said, nodding to his friends. Hoping it would give her a hint but this woman never stopped it seemed.

"You all settled in now?" She asked.

"Yep, last box all done and dusted." He nodded.

"Great, you'll have to come over for drinks at some point. Meet all the neighbours." She grinned at the idea. "Well, I better go."

"Right, see you later." Eren said, knowing he'd never socialise with her willingly.

"Who's that?" Mikasa asked as the woman walked away.

"Some girl I can't seem to stop running into." Eren rolled his eyes.

"She seems nice." She assessed.

"She's not my type."

"I know." She agreed. "But she might have some friends."

Eren laughed but it was hollow, how did you tell your sister you had given up on love years ago?

…

Levi inwardly cringed at the amount of black hairs coming off Titan each time he petted him, covering his once pristine top. When he'd come home from work and seen the apartment empty he had hoped for a quick nap. But the moment Titan had noticed his owner sprawled out on the sofa he'd jumped up and settled himself on Levi's chest. Least one of them was napping.

He groaned slightly when he heard Petra come into the apartment, sure he was going to have a quiet night to himself. He could hear the distinct sound of bags rustling, rather glad he had Titan on him as an excuse to not more.

"Why aren't you dressed?" She whined, dropping down into an armchair.

"Am I naked again?" He drawled.

"I'm serious." She snapped, causing Levi to open an eye a crack and see her in a dress and heels.

"Have I forgotten some plans?" He asked, lifting himself onto his elbows to not disturb titan.

"Mike's birthday? Pre-drinks and food at Hanji's? Going on to Dandelion's? Those shitty fake moustaches you brought as a birthday present?" Petra listed, rolling her eyes at Levi's snort of laughter. "Any of this ringing any bells?"

"Yeah, must have got my weekends mixed up." He shrugged, dropping back onto the sofa.

"Well?" She prompted.

"Well what?" He frowned.

"Go get ready!" She groaned. "I swear Levi, sometimes I feel like I am living with a child."

Levi rolled his eyes but obliged anyway, choosing not to mention that technically she didn't live with a child. Technically she lived across town with a friend she'd met at university. Technically Levi lived alone so should be able to do as he pleases. But he also knew, technically, after being in a relationship for so long he should have asked her to officially move in with her by now so he didn't mention it.

He wasn't ready for that fight yet because he wasn't ready to admit why he didn't want to live with her.

Levi threw his cupboard open and grabbed the first decent shirt he could find, his black jeans would still do but his top was covered in cat hair. He knew he should put in effort, Petra had clearly spent hours doing her make up and hair, hell even her nails were the same peach of her dress but he just didn't care.

He never understood the need to dress up, to parade yourself around as if the world's opinion mattered. Not to be big headed, he knew he was attractive – he'd been told enough times. He had defined muscles, he had piercing eyes, he had a strong jaw line. And he knew with Petra on his arm he looked even better, they were what couples lusted to be. So why put on a show?

 _You look good in tight trousers. Shows off your best asset._

He groaned at the voice, once upon a time he had liked to dress up. Subtly primping himself in the morning before walking into the canteen. Pretending the look was effortless but there was time and planning beforehand. Making sure his belts were high enough that the emphasised his arse without looking like he was trying too hard. A shirt that was slightly too small that it showed off his muscles but never too tight that the buttons threatened to pop. And the pièce de résistance was Eren's jacket, slightly too long on the arms and pointless in battle but brilliant at causing a reaction.

How pathetic he had once been.

"You ready?" Petra shouted, Levi could practically hear her tapping her foot.

"Yeah, I'm coming." He replied, shoving his feet into the first shoes he could find.

…

"I can't believe we are going to be late." Petra sighed, powering walking towards Hanji and Erwin's while pulling a reluctant Levi behind her.

"Only a little bit." He shrugged.

"You know I hate turning up late." She complained, Levi never really understanding the issue. Why not make an entrance?

"Finally!" Hanji shouted, throwing the door open.

"Sorry, someone takes forever to get ready." Petra rolled her eyes.

"This prima donna? I'd never believe it." She joked, playfully wrapping an arm around Levi.

"He's a pain in my arse." Petra mumbled, walking towards the rest of the party.

Levi went to follow but was very conscious that the arm around him held him back and Hanji was making no attempts to move.

"How are you?" She asked softly when they were alone.

"Fine." He replied.

"Levi." She said softly.

"Honestly, I am. We may not have made some dramatic breakthrough but I feel better just having talked about it." He admitted. "Thanks."

"It's what I'm here for." She assured him, pressing a soft kiss onto his crown.

Hanji quickly released him and walked towards the living room, as if the whole moment hadn't even happened. He followed after her and placed on a fake smile for his friends. He may be feeling better but when it came to Eren there was always something not right. Too many unanswered questions.

"Happy birthday big man!" He shouted, reaching out to clap Mike on the back only to have his hand grabbed and be pulled onto Mike's lap.

"Thanks, short stuff!" He grinned, the alcohol practically seeping from his pores – obviously he'd had plenty before Petra and he had arrived.

"I think I need to catch up." Levi joked, reaching out to steal the whiskey bottle in Mike's hand and taking a straight swallow.

"We like to drink with Levi because Levi is our mate." Mike sang holding up the bottle again and forcing Levi to drink. "And when we drink with Levi he drinks it down in 8… 7… 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…"

Levi cringed as the bottle was finally taken away from his lips, his throat burning from the whiskey.

"Haven't heard that song in a while." Levi coughed.

"Poor effort Levi." Mike shook his head, eyeing up the liquid still left in the bottle.

"Like you could do better." He scoffed.

Never one to back down from a challenge, Mike tipped the whiskey bottle and swiftly downed the remaining contents. He slammed the bottle back down on the coffee table with such force Levi was surprised it didn't break.

"Impressive." Levi complimented.

"Levi, you stole my seat." Nanaba joked as she walked over to the pair.

"Blame this guy." He nodded towards Mike who still had his arm wrapped around his waist. "The man wants what he wants."

"I'd be no competition." She laughed, sitting beside Mike.

"Right, I have a confession to make." Levi said, holding up a plastic bag. "My gift this year isn't exactly for you."

"How so?" Nanaba answered for Mike, eyeing up the bag.

"It's for everybody else." He grinned, pulling out a box of stick on moustaches. "In honour of Mike I thought we should all spend the evening with a nose neighbour."

Levi peeled the first one off and reached out to stick it on Nanaba's top lip, the black contrasting her pale skin.

"I have never found you more attractive." Mike winked.

"And I've wasted the first year of our relationship shaving my beard." She sighed.

"Rock the natural look!" Levi encouraged. "Everyone come get your moustaches!"

…

"Right, no matter what I say stop me when I've had more than six gins." Armin instructed, climbing onto the bar stool. Mikasa groaned, sitting at the bar was always dangerous. Armin had a nice smile and an easy-going nature, the perfect combination to get loads of free samples. But she slid into the chair next to him all the same, if there was going to be free drink she wanted to be a part of it.

"Will you actually listen?" Eren asked from the seat on his other side.

"It could go either way at this point." He shrugged, quickly order their first drink when the bar maid was near. "Can I have three sloe gin fizzes?"

"Sure." She nodded.

"Cocktails already?" Mikasa frowned.

"Start as you mean to go on." He grinned.

"So Eren, see anyone you like?" Mikasa asked, it was always the same. Every time they went out she would try and set him up with anyone she could find.

"Mikasa." He sighed.

"What?" She asked innocently. "I just think you should find someone special."

What they didn't realise was he had always found his someone special, he'd already loved and lost in a way they could only imagine. They never knew the whole truth about Levi. He had lied when he lost his job, claimed Raquel reduced her hours so he was no longer needed. In truth he'd been ashamed of who he had become and what he made a child do. Night after nigh he was ashamed, it was unforgivable and disgusting. He claimed to have loved Levi but if he truly loved him would he have behaved the way he did?

"Look, if I meet someone I meet someone but I don't want it to be forced. Okay?" He frowned.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes, her response getting drowned out by a rowdy group walking in. They seemed to be early twenties and strangely all had moustaches – even the women. Oh, to be young again.

…

Levi was drunk, he was drunk long before they had walked into the bar and those rounds of shots people kept buying were not helping. But he as drunk and angry because all the chairs at the table were too high, sober he could lift himself on but drunk he feared he'd make a fool of himself.

"Petra! Come dance with me." He moaned, attempting to pull her off her chair.

"No." She pushed his hand away, the dancefloor was pretty dead still, save for a few very drunk people. She needed a crowd if she was going up.

"Fine." He pouted. "I'm going to get another drink then." He'd noticed a threesome at the bar the whole night, one of them was definitely a third wheel and Levi was going to get a free drink out of them.

"No, you're not!" Petra grabbed his hand and pulled him back. "You need to pace yourself."

"Sorry Mum, didn't realise you were monitoring me." He rolled his eyes.

"If you want to make it past eleven you'll slow down." She narrowed her eyes, decidedly less threatening with a blonde moustache stained with red wine.

"Fine, I'll have a water." He shrugged, only to be stopped again.

"I'll get it." She hopped off her chair. "I don't trust you."

"You wound me." Levi clutched his heart but he knew it was true, he wasn't ordering water. "Make it lemonade."

"Sure." She nodded.

Levi watched her go, wondering if he could sneak to the other end of the bar and order shots. He decided it wasn't worth the cold shoulder and decided to return to his earlier plan.

"Hanji! Let's dance." He instructed, heading over to the dancefloor without waiting for her response.

"Yes!" She cheered, running after him and looping her arm through his.

…

By the time Petra made it to the bar she realised Levi had also made it to the dancefloor, throwing some very questionable dance moves with Hanji. She remembered when they first got together she was wary of Hanji, feeling as if she was the third in their relationship – and Erwin was oblivious. The longer she knew them she realised that was just their friendship and the third person was someone much more sinister.

She rolled her eyes at them, Erwin joining them and cheering them on. As if he wasn't watching his girlfriend grind on his best friend.

"Hey." Petra cringed at the voice, she could do without a drunk creep coming onto her.

"Hi." She fake smiled as she turned around, frowning when she saw who it was.

"I'm beginning to think you're stalking me." Eren slurred, feeling friendlier towards her now he'd had a few drinks.

"Hardly counts if it's in the building where my boyfriend lives." She joked, he almost wanted to laugh at her blatant attempt to brush him off. He had no interest in her.

"I'm gay." He laughed, not that her boyfriend would have to watch out either. His heart would always belong to another.

"Oh, sorry." She blushed. "God, now I look really big headed."

"Don't sweat it." He assured her. "We've all been there when the guy in the bar won't leave you alone."

"Exactly." Petra smiled as the barmaid came over, making a beeline for Eren. Obviously not realising she was barking up the wrong tree.

"What can I get you?" She asked with a flirty smile, either Eren was oblivious or amazing at ignoring her advances.

"I'll have another gin and tonic, what's this one called? Lone Wolf?" He asked, sloshing his drink around.

"Yeah." She nodded.

"And whatever the lady wants." Eren gestured towards Petra.

"I'll have the same." She smiled, almost laughing at the daggers the waitress was now giving her. She really wasn't her competition. "Oh, and a lemonade."

"Sure, coming up." She said through gritted teeth.

"So, where is the birthday… person?" Eren finished lamely, realising Petra never specified earlier. To be fair he was just impressed he remembered she was out for a birthday.

"He's the big, blonde guy with his tongue currently down his poor girlfriend's throat." She gestured, Eren could only see the back of him and couldn't see much around his bulk but it was clear he had someone pinned to the wall.

"Right." He nodded, paying the waitress as she brought their drinks – Petra's placed down a little too harshly. "I have to ask, what is up with the moustaches?"

"The birthday boy has one, so we thought we'd honour him tonight." She laughed, momentarily forgetting she was even wearing one.

"Nice touch." Eren nodded.

"Thanks for the drinks." She smiled, grabbing the glasses off the bar.

"No problem…" He trailed off.

"Petra." She supplied.

His eyes widened at the name, suddenly transported him back in time to a world he was trying to forget. His surrogate mother of sorts, the one who nurtured him, made him feel like he wasn't a monster. Another soul that had been needlessly killed.

"Are you okay?" She frowned.

"Yeah." He nodded. "I just used to know a Petra is all."

"Right." She smiled, walking back to her friends.

Unconsciously, Eren's eyes followed her. Would he ever be able to escape his past or would his ghosts always haunt him? He watched as she walked towards a crowd, was the infamous boyfriend amongst them? And most importantly was he another face from the past? When she stopped by a black-haired man dancing his stomach dropped, it couldn't be? Could it?

"Levi." He whispered as the man turned around with a smile.

Eren could barely believe his eyes, there he was. After all these years of longing he was so close and yet still so far. He began to recognise the other faces around them, Hanji and Erwin. Mike had now joined the group. There they all were.

Part of Eren wanted to run over there, grab Levi once again but this time he wouldn't let go. But another part felt scared, what if Levi didn't want to see him again? The longer they were apart the more tainted their past become, did Levi even love him anymore?

As he watched Levi grab the drink off Petra he quickly got his answer. Levi gave her a smile, he wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close.

"No." Eren gasped, the sound drowned out by the music, Armin and Mikasa too drunk to notice.

Eren wanted to look away, he wanted to stop his heart breaking with every passing second but he just watched. Watched as the man he loved kissed another, on her lips, along her neck, her ear. Sensations Eren knew too well but were no longer his to feel anymore.

"I'm going to be sick!" He shouted, pushing himself off his chair and running towards the bathroom.

His eyes burned as he retched, tears streaming down his face that he would later blame on the drink. Pain surging through him as the image of Petra kissing Levi played over and over in his mind. Each time it cut a little deeper.

"Eren?" He heard Armin's panicked voice from the other side of the door. "You alright?"

"Yeah, just had a little too much." He replied. "I'm fine."

"I'll get Mikasa and we can head home." He said.

Eren was a little relieved, he knew Mikasa would force him to come back to theirs. She'd never leave him after being sick. And if he was being truthful, he couldn't face being alone knowing Levi had truly forgotten him and moved on.

…


	4. Chapter 4

…

Eren took deep breaths to calm himself, he was hungover and angry. He counted each bump on the wood chip ceiling of Mikasa and Armin's spare room but it wasn't working. He was seething.

Sure, last night he had been hurting. Each breath he took stung with the build-up of unshed tears. But after bringing up the contents of his stomach a few times that pain quickly transitioned into anger.

How could he have been so stupid? To think that Levi would just be waiting for him, like some princess in a tower longing for their knight in shining armour? Did Eren not know Levi at all?

Of course he would have carried on with his life, found somebody new to fill the void that was in his heart. But Petra? It hurt more than if Levi had picked someone random off the street.

Did he remember her? Did they remember each other? Did they sit together at laugh that somewhere out there Eren was still pining, counting down the days even though they had found each other? All those wasted tears he had shed over, those harsh nights waiting a man who didn't even love him.

Eren shook his head, just because he was angry didn't mean he should think ill of Levi. Even after all these years he still knew Levi wouldn't do this to him. They were destined to be together but there was always an obstacle.

Titans. Age. Other people. Clawing at their love, stopping their happiness as if the two of them didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve the contentedness that came from being with their soulmate.

He groaned as he turned over in bed, his stomach whirling from a mixture of alcohol and longing. Eren would give anything to hold Levi again, forgot all this nastiness and just bask in their love.

All this pain would be gone if he just had Levi by his side again, all the hurt forgotten from just a touch of his skin. Tears dried from a simple kiss. His heart would be unbroken if Levi was his once again.

He knew who was the real problem, the real culprit for all the hurt. Petra.

The bitch had always liked Levi. Eren remembered she was always watching him desperately when she thought he wasn't looking. She'd naively thought one day, after the war was over they'd marry.

Well Eren had quickly put an end to that plan. Effortlessly turning the captains head and stealing his heart in one quick swoop.

She was one of the many people who disapproved of their relationship, trying to disguise her jealousy behind concern but Eren had seen right through her. Keeping a watchful eye on the pair whenever they thought they were alone.

And now she'd got her man. Struck while Eren wasn't around. It was a dirty trick but it had been a successful one.

"Morning." Mikasa said softly, sticking her head around the door frame.

"Morning." Eren grunted back.

"How you feeling?" She asked, perching on the end of the bed.

"Fine, just a little hungover." He shrugged.

"Come on." She gave him a look. "Last night was more than just alcohol."

"No it wasn't." He shook his head, wishing he could just bury his head under the covers again.

"Your ears are going red." Mikasa frowned, crossing her arms.

Eren spluttered at the accusation, he'd been sure in all the noise of the bar and the confusion if a hasty retreat Mikasa would have been too distracted to notice him. Really notice him.

"It's nothing." He dismissed, hoping she would drop the subject. Because what else was there to say?

That for all these years he had been masquerading as a man with a purpose, a big act that he was happy with how his whole life had turned out? That once upon a time he had been soaring, but just like all the fables of old he flew too high and go burnt? How could he tell someone as innocent as Mikasa about the voices and dreams he had night after night about a forbidden romances, one more extreme than the other.

There was no way, nobody would really understand any of it besides Levi and it seemed that he had buried their past deep inside himself in an attempt to move on. So, if Levi was willing to live a charade then Eren would have to do the same.

"Come on Eren, talk to me." Mikasa said softly, squeezing his foot softly between the sheets.

"I just… it's hard to explain." He shrugged.

"Try me." She smiled.

"I saw… an ex? I guess. He was with someone else and it was harder to watch than I thought it would be." He mumbled, the bile rising up again in his throat as he even thought about it. Levi touching her, kissing her, acting as if he never loved Eren in the first place.

"An ex? You never mentioned you were seeing anyone." She frowned.

"I know, I guess I was just waiting for it all to go wrong. I thought if I didn't tell anyone I could keep it safe and protect it and then it wouldn't end in heartbreak." He explained, not to mention the jail sentence he'd risked just for Levi.

"But you broke up?" She prompted.

"No, well at least I didn't think we did." He groaned, throwing his hand over his eyes. "It's pathetic, but I always felt like it had been left as a to be continued rather than a goodbye. Clearly I was the only one who thought so."

"Eren, I'm sorry." She whispered, lying down on the bed beside him. Throwing her leg and arm over his body she pulled him closer, a move their mother always did when they had a bad dream before singing them softly back off to sleep.

"Don't be, it was my fault anyway." He leant into the embrace, praying she didn't ask how it all went wrong. "He'll just always be the one who got away."

"For now, but you'll get past it eventually." She said.

He hummed in response, better than saying he'd loved Levi for over a lifetime. There was no going back for him now. The man would own his heart forever and always, even if he didn't want it.

…

Levi hurt, everything hurt. His head, his stomach, his back, his legs. Had he fallen over? He had a vague recollection of playing chicken in the park on the way home – much to Petra's disgust. Hanji and Erwin had been a force to be reckoned with and both Levi and Mike had ended up toppling backwards. That explained the sore back but not the scabbed knees.

He curled tighter around the fluffy mound in his bed with a groan, clearly Titan had seen the open door and jumped at the chance for morning snuggles. It wasn't often Levi lay in so he had to take the opportunities while he could.

Levi desperately tried to piece together his night but most of it was a blank, how did he scratch his knees? And more worryingly, did he ruin his trousers at the same time?

A voice cleared their throat and Levi forced his eyes open, taking in the bleary image of Petra stood in the doorway with her hands folded. Levi felt like a teenager again, caught the morning after he'd snuck off to a raging party.

"Good morning." She practically hissed, he could see the anger radiating off of her.

"Morning." He mumbled, rubbing his head and frowning when he felt a surprisingly amount of fuzz above his eyebrows.

"How you feeling?" Petra asked, daring him to complain.

"Never better." He half smiled, wincing as he peeled the remains of his moustache off his head.

"Really?" She rose an eyebrow. "So, you'd be fine coming food shopping with me this morning?"

"Of course, sounds like a great way to spend the day." He nodded, sitting up in bed and instantly regretting the movement.

"The bin's by your feet, we leave in an hour." She huffed, spinning out the room.

"Thanks." He weakly called after her, burying his head in the bin.

He took desperate breaths, hoping to will away the sick feeling. He hadn't been this hung over in a while.

Usually Levi knew his limits, sure he'd go slightly past it but never this far. But last night bd been different, had felt different.

He wasn't sure what the feeling was but it had crackled in the air last night, as if something around him had shifted and would change his life. He'd felt a strange mix of antsipaction and fear, the only logical thing his tipsy mind had thought of to deal was to drink more.

Drink until be forgot the feeling of being watched, of being lusted after. He wasn't sure what it was or how but something had changed last night and whatever it was was coming after him.

"This is a bad hangover." He muttered, voice echoing back in the bin.

He was clearly very drunk last night if he thought he'd had a genuine epiphany last night rather than a tequila induced one.

"How come you're not hungover?" Levi moaned as he heard Petra walk into the room. Sure, she wasn't packing it away like he was but she'd had her fair share.

"Because when Hanji says to me I bet you can't do fifteen shots in fifteen seconds I say you're probably right instead of you're on shitty glasses." She explained, shooting him a smug smile.

Levi mulled over this information, another piece of the puzzle from last night.

"Did I at least win?" He asked, but the look Petra gave him told him it was the wrong response.

"Levi, I swear to god if that's your biggest concern from last night…" She groaned, grabbing his shirt off the chair. "Yes, you did. Now get dressed."

"Yes ma'am." He quipped as the shirt hit him in the head.

…

Eren nervously rocked on his feet, staring at the door in front of him. Number 21. Directly above his own as if the universe was sending him a sign. He'd scanned the post boxes up and down until he found the name L. Ackerman just to track his apartment number down.

Sure, it had a slight stalkerish edge to it, but you couldn't have Levi this close and not expect Eren to hunt him down. It was like showing treasure, letting him touch and taste it before harshly pulling it away.

Not this time, Eren was fighting for his prize.

Petra might have thought she'd won this lifetime but she had another thing coming. This morning he'd been miserable and depressed but after he pulled himself out of bed he had a change of heart. He wasn't going to sit back and let her take something that was rightfully his. He'd get his Levi back whatever the cost.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and waited. Time seemed to slow down as his heart rate pulsed in his ears.

What would he even say when he saw Levi again? I missed you? I've been waiting all this time to find you again, my soulmate? Ditch the bimbo and let's head back to my place?

Maybe not that last one, maybe a subtler approach might be better.

What if Levi didn't even want to see him? Would he see Eren's face, remember all the dark and twisted things he'd done in the name of love and slam the doo shut. Sure, Eren had always struggled to justify his behaviour but what had Levi thought of it?

Had he been shocked that someone he had once loved could treat him that way? To have such little disregard for his mental well being that he raped and abused a child?

Eren shuddered at the memories, feeling almost relieved that Levi hadn't come to answer the door. Whatever the reason for the ignoring Eren couldn't be sure but he was glad, he was handed a life line.

Forcing Levi to rekindle a relationship he hadn't even wanted in the first place was not going to work. He needed to be sure before he took that plunge lest he ruin any chance he had with the other man.

Shaking his head, he walked away from his door and headed out. Now was not the time, not when emotions were high. He needed to forget his anger towards Petra before he even considered seeing Levi again.

Eren skipped the lift and took the stairs, bypassing his own floor until he was heading out of the building. He needed a hangover remedy and he needed it now, and unfortunately his fridge was severely lacking in any bacon.

He might still be wearing the clothes from the night before; stale alcohol might still be on his breath and his hair might be unbrushed but he was getting bacon.

…

This was quite possibly the worst idea Levi had ever had, the harsh overhead lights were offensive and his head pounded with every step he took. Why couldn't he just admit he was dying inside? Sure, she would have grumbled, but Petra would have left him to it.

Right now, he could be dozing off his hangover with Titan while they binge watched Netflix. Instead he's stuck in a supermarket with weekend shoppers who apparently have no sense of personal space.

If one more soccer mum tutted at him and leant around him to grab some grapes off the shelf he would vomit on their shoes. He wasn't refusing to move for the fun of it, it was for the safety of everyone in a metre radius of him.

"Levi, come on." Petra sighed, pulling on the end of the trolley in encouragement.

"You go on ahead, we'll meet back here in about twenty?" He offered, but got nothing but a disapproving look as she stalked off down the aisle.

Knowing not to tempt fate any further he followed after her, granted at a much slower pace than her but he was moving all the same.

"Levi, can you grab the milk?" She asked him, a slightly triumphant look on her face.

He glanced towards the milk fridge with a grimace, the smell of old milk made his stomach turn at the best of times but today there was no way he would be able to do it. She was teasing him.

"Well?" Petra prompting, nodding her head towards the milk.

"Why don't you feel sorry for me?" He whined, he was particularly needy when he was hungover.

"It's funnier to see you suffer." She shrugged.

"I hate you." He muttered.

"Love you too." She quipped, reaching past him to grab the milk. "What do you say we grab some bacon, sausages and ketchup and I make you a fry up?"

"Yes." He nodded. "That's the best suggestion you've had all morning."

"Come on." She grinned, taking the trolley off of him.

Before she had a chance to walk, Levi wrapped his arms around her waist and rested his head on her shoulder, face down with his eyes closed.

"Be my support." He moaned, letting her guide him through the shop.

"You big baby." She laughed.

Levi couldn't really tell where they were in the shop, all he knew were his feet were moving and Petra was giving him soft lefts and rights instructions as they moved. Every so often he would feel her lean to grab something off the shelf, amazingly standing up tall again even with the combined weight of her and Levi to carry.

"Shit." She mumbled.

"What?" Levi asked, hoping whatever it was wouldn't prolong their shopping experience.

"I forgot the eggs." Petra admitted, Levi glanced up from her shoulder to see their current aisle and noted, with a heavy heart, that eggs were on the other side of the store.

"We don't need them." He decided, he could practically see the tills from where they were. Eggs were a sacrifice he was willing to make.

"It's not a fry up without eggs." She said. "You stay here and I'll grab them."

"Fine." He sighed as she slipped out of his hold. He flopped forward onto the trolley for a new source of support, hoping he didn't fall asleep right here in the condiment's aisle.

…

Eren frowned as he scanned the food in front of him, his old local shop hadn't been quite as upmarket and therefore hadn't offered the same selection. Who knew there were so many different varieties of bacon? Which one was the best for bacon sandwiches?

As he debated a young couple passed him, he rolled his eyes at their loving display. The man draped disgustingly over her shoulders, head buried in her neck as if a supermarket was an appropriate place to give a hickey.

Part of him wanted to say something, remind them that there were other people around who didn't want to see them all over each other but before he could even open his mouth the words disappeared off his tongue.

The universe was really testing him recently, throwing Levi and Petra in his face at every opportunity as if it just loved to watch him suffer. He'd walked away this morning, he'd tried to make the right choice but it was as if he was being forced to make a scene in the meat aisle.

The couple hadn't noticed him but Eren couldn't stop watching them, every movement, every soft smile, every whispered word made him feel sick.

As they left for another aisle he followed, he knew it wasn't healthy but he couldn't stop his feet from moving.

He felt like that kid with a crush once again, helplessly following after his captain as if it would somehow earn his love. So close he could just reach out and touch his cloak but never wanting to push too far for fear of what would happen.

Heartache and misery. That was all that would happen if he pursued this once again. Eren knew this, and yet he was still following the man around the supermarket as if he were his last life line. He hadn't even picked up the item he came in for.

His heart fluttered as he watched Petra walk away, leaving Levi alone, slouched over the trolley as if he'd rather be anywhere but here. He was so close now, Eren could finally reach out but there was still the fear.

Despite how much he wanted to kiss him, to hold him and never let go maybe it was best to walk away. Maybe he should just have been happy with the memories he has and live with the regret for the rest of his life. They say if you truly love someone you know when to let them go.

But what if Levi was ready to come back, what if he was just waiting out the hours like Eren. Before he could second guess himself he spoke.

"Hi, can I get some mayonnaise?" Levi jumped at the unexpected voice, but still making no efforts to move.

Not trusting his own wobbly feet, Levi reached out and handed the jar to the stranger.

"Here you go." He said, thrusting the jar into the awaiting hand.

He frowned at the sparks that flickered up his arm at the simple touch, a feeling he hadn't felt in a long time. He looked up at the stranger and gasped, pulling his hand back in shock. The other man was clearly not expecting the movement because he dropped the jar in surprise.

The thick mayonnaise covered both their feet but Levi for once didn't care about the mess, he couldn't pull his eyes away from what was in front of him. Too afraid to blink in case the moment left and it was all a cruel dream.

"Eren?" He choked out.

Levi barely recognised the man, his long, shaggy hair was a far cry from the teen he once knew but there was no mistaking those eyes. Those eyes haunted him night after night so he could never forget. Pleasure, pain, jealousy, anger, elation. He had seen them all in those eyes. He had seen love in those eyes and part of him wanted to believe it was still there, that the sparkle Eren got whenever he looked at him was still there.

"Hi Levi." Eren smiled. "Been a while."

…

 _Pointless filler chapter, so sorry! But least they meet, huh?_


	5. Chapter 5

…

Levi could barely believe his eyes, stood right in front of him after all these years was Eren. Night after night he imagined this situation, what he'd do and say if he was ever confronted by him again. But not of these visions involved mayonnaise over their feet and Levi gapping like a fish out of water.

"Levi, please say something." Eren laughed nervously, a few of the other shoppers giving them curious looks.

There was so much Levi wanted to say, so much he needed to say but instead he stared with his heart caught in his throat. There he was again, sure he was older, his hair was longer and he had rugged stubble rather than his smooth teen cheeks but it was definitely Eren, his Eren.

"Hi." Levi stuttered, of all the words this was all he could say?

"Hi." Eren greeted again with a smile. "How've you been?"

But Levi didn't respond, he'd obviously used up his quota of words around Eren for today.

Without even thinking about it his hands began to move, Levi wasn't sure where they were headed but he knew he had to touch. He needed to check this was really happening, not just another bad dream where the vision in front of him melted away and left him cold, alone in bed.

Levi gasped as he gently cupped Eren's face, so warm, so soft, so solid, so real. Not just another illusion.

"Eren." He whispered.

How long had it been since he'd said that name in happiness rather than thinking about the negatives? How long since his heart had beat this fast because of another person instead of fear? How long since he'd cared this much about the person in front of him?

"I missed you." Eren smiled, turning to nuzzle Levi's hand. "So much."

"Yeah." Levi agreed because full sentences still alluded him.

All that love he'd pushed down came rushing back to the surface, Eren, his Eren was finally back. He could stop being a background character in his own life and finally start living. This was the moment he'd been waiting for since he was young, the moment Eren came back.

That smile he thought of night after night was finally his to claim again. Levi would hear his laugh again, feel his touch again, his kiss. Everything that he'd been yearning for was his again.

But it wasn't right. A harsh reality suddenly bit through Levi's hazy mind. All those memories he held so dear were not the real Eren. The real Eren had abused him, had raped him, had forced a young, ten year old boy to things he was not emotionally and physically ready for.

The old Levi might have held onto the fantasy of a perfect Eren but the old Levi was dead. It was time to grow up and let Eren go.

Without thinking, he pulled on of his hands back. Eren barely reacted to the movement, his eyes still closed as he enjoyed Levi's gentle caress. But the moment quickly ended when Levi's hand quickly came back, the slap echoing around the once quiet aisle.

"Levi!" Petra shouted, rushing over to the pair. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"I…" Levi awkwardly pulled his hands back, how to explain this situation to Petra. If she knew who Eren really was she'd probably be on his side but was he really ready to expose the truth.

"Well?" She prompted, still staring at her boyfriend in disbelief.

"This shithead spilt mayonnaise on my feet." He defended.

"Seriously?" She spun around. "I'm so sorry… Eren?"

"Hi." He grumbled, rubbing his sore cheek.

"Wait, you know each other?" Levi asked, his panicked eyes flitting between the two of them.

Was he not the only one from the past Eren had sought out? Despite all the memories and feelings was there connection nothing more than serendipity? Eren would have just as easily settled for another face from the past? All the pining and hurting had been over someone ready to cast him aside at less than a second's notice.

"Yes, this is your new neighbour." She hissed.

"What?" Levi blinked.

"Sorry." Petra said, addressing Eren. "He's extra grumpy when he's hungover."

"Is he now?" Eren smiled, Levi easily reading the smile. It was condescending and smug, as if Petra could tell him anything he didn't already know about Levi. As if there was a mood, a feeling, a sensation he didn't already know.

"Don't you have something to say Levi?" Petra asked, Levi squirming in embarrassment as he was scolded. Feeling just like he did when Raquel used to tell him off in front of Eren. So childish and foolish.

But he wasn't going to apologise, he hated Eren for making him feel this way. He shouldn't be excited that Eren walked back into his life. He should be disgusted, he should feel violated that this creep had found him again and felt that he had the right to act as if nothing had happened.

"He should say sorry first." Levi rose an eyebrow.

"Jesus." Petra sighed. "It was an accident, your reaction was…"

"No, he's right." Eren nodded. "I am sorry Levi, honestly I am. For everything. I wasn't thinking straight and I made bad choices. But part of me doesn't regret it completely, because it led me to you and that is something I will never be sorry for."

"Hm." Levi shrugged, pretending the words were nothing more than water off a duck's back but as much as he wished to brush them away they cut deep. Despite everything Levi was the same, he'd never regretted meeting Eren.

Petra looked between the two of them and frowned slightly, as if she had missed a major milestone in their lives.

"Do you two no each other?" She asked.

"No." Levi answered quickly. He was afraid, she couldn't connect the dots, she couldn't rip Eren from his life the moment he came back. "He's just the poor guy I was about to give a bollocking to for spilling mayonnaise on my feet."

"He acts scary but he's a kitten." Petra joked, squeezing Levi's cheeks.

"I bet he is." Eren fake laughed, hating how Levi didn't pull himself from the hold.

Instead he blushed, his Levi honest to god blushing because a pretty girl was touching him. Eren wasn't sure how, but Petra had got to Levi. She had changed him, she'd never understood the real Levi. Always saw him for the flaws that needed to be fixed rather than the man he was.

"Right, well I should get this grump home." Petra smiled, placing the eggs in the trolley.

"Sure." Eren nodded.

As he watched them go, he almost choked, he felt that same distance from years ago. Watching Levi's cape helplessly as he desperately tried to keep up, to prove his worth. He thought he'd shown his love enough but maybe not. Maybe everything he'd done had been forgotten.

"See you around." Eren called after the couple, Levi hearing the hope in his voice.

"Yeah, you will." He nodded before briskly walking away.

…

"I thought we'd moved on from this." Hanji frowned as she watched Levi waltz into the room and lie on his back. The past few sessions he had sat up, she was sure they were making a breakthrough and now as she watched Levi pick the skin around his nails, she felt they had taken a step back.

"Because I don't want to look in your eye when I say this." He admitted, nibbling his lip.

"Levi, I've told you this is a safe place. Nothing will be judged." She promised but Levi refused to move but he did stop nervously twirling his thumbs.

"I saw Eren again." He said, the silence that followed felt like hours but it couldn't have been more than a couple of seconds.

"Through choice?" Hanji prompted.

"No, in a super market of all places. Bloody idiot dropped mayonnaise on me." He laughed softly before shaking his head. Why was he making it sound like a adorable meeting from a romcom, rather than the tainted moment it was.

"And how did that make you feel?" She prompted.

"I was angry, I guess. But not for the right reasons." He sighed.

"You have the right to be angry. He used and manipulated you from the day you met him to feel…" Hanji started but Levi cut her off. He didn't need to know what he should be thinking and feeling, it would only make everything else he needed to say harder.

"I wasn't angry about what he did, at first I was angry that he'd come back. I thought it was because I didn't want him ever to come back but the more I thought about it I realised…" He swallowed, trailing off.

"You realised what?"

"I realised I was angry that he'd taken so long, that he'd waited ten years to find me again!" He groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes. He always felt less vulnerable with his eyes covered, it was probably a childish notion to believe if they couldn't see him, he was safe. "I'm sorry Hanji."

"Why are you apologising?" Hanji asked softly, reaching out to place her hand on his wrist. "You've done nothing wrong."

"I know but…" He sighed. "But you're trying to fix me and I'm just… unfixable."

"I am not trying to 'fix' you." Hanji denied. "No matter what you think you are not broken, I am just trying to help you."

"Thanks." He smiled, placing his spare hand on top of hers.

They sat in silence for a moment, Hanji waited until Levi was comfortable enough to remove his arms before asking her next question.

"I want you to do something for me." She smiled, looking into his eyes.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to think about what Eren means to you. Not what he meant to you all those years ago, not what people think he should mean, what you feel when you think about him." Hanji said, leaning back to sit in her chair again.

"I've told you, I love him." Levi frowned.

"No, that's what you felt years ago and you've never given yourself to think what he means now. Close your eyes and just think of Eren." She told him.

Levi closed his eyes and huffed, did Hanji not think he'd tried this before? He spent night after night trying to work out what Eren meant to him but there were too many conflicting emotions running around in his head. Disgust. Love. Anger. Lust. Fear. Yearning. How could he really know what he felt?

He could hear Hanji pottering around the room when suddenly he heard a repetitive clicking sound fill the room. He opened his eye a crack to see Hanji stood by a metronome.

"This better not be some sort of hypnosis shit." He mumbled.

"It's to help you clear your mind and focus your thoughts." Hanji rolled her eyes. "Now close your eyes and take all the time you need."

"Right." He closed his eyes again and listened to the steady beat, it was surprisingly comforting. "Where do I start?"

"From the beginning."

From the beginning? He could do that.

Levi cast his mind back, going back to the place it all began. Titans roaring in the morning sun while everyone longed for a better day. A time of peace. But that wasn't the world they lived in, they could never stop the fight.

But through all the hardship, Levi had his own personal light, someone who made it worth being alive despite all of that. Eren. Life may be insane but with Eren by his side it was happy. For once felt like he wasn't just existing, going through the motions until he died. He felt like he was striving. He heard that familiar voice call his name and he felt alive.

Then it changed, the titans had come and gone, a new world was just beginning. Eren came back just as suddenly as he had appeared before. Levi felt a connection, something his young mind couldn't even comprehend. That smile told him he'd never be alone. Eren made him feel like he should take a risk, even though he wasn't sure what that risk was.

In hindsight, Levi knew it was wrong. That the foolish notions of a child in love was not something to trust but even now it felt right. Their love felt like something worth taking a stand for, something to hold onto. It was too precious to ever let go, he was ready to fight for it.

But how to put all of that into words for Hanji? How to describe everything that was swirling through his mind and heart with a simple sentence?

His eyes shot open and Hanji must have seen the movement because it prompted her to speak up.

"Levi? Have you thought about?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded. _But you're not going to like it_ – was added as a silent afterthought.

"And? How do you feel about Eren now?"

"He feels like coming home." He whispered, afraid to say the truth out loud. "I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else, more than I could possibly love anyone else. He's my home."

He looked at the clock and realised his time was up, but that was alright. What more was there to say? He'd made his breakthrough, it may not have been the breakthrough Hanji was expecting but it was enough for Levi. He was finally seeing things clearly, all those thoughts fighting for room in his head were the voices of other people. When he finally thought for himself it all made sense.

"Same time next week?" He asked, heading towards the door.

"Sure." Hanji nodded. "Levi, wait."

"What?" He asked, hand freezing above the door.

"What I'm about to say is as your friend not your therapist. Please don't do anything stupid between now and next week, what we have discussed today is just the beginning of layers upon layers of repressed feelings. You're not ready to face him with clarity, please. Promise me you won't see Eren again." Hanji begged.

"I'll try." He bit his lip. "But I can't promise anything."

…

Hanji walked through her front door with a sigh, it had been a long day and if she were being honest, she hadn't been at her best. After her morning session, all she could think of was Levi. She'd barely listened what her other clients had said, for the fear that Levi would have done something he later regretted. This is why you didn't mix business with pleasure, she supposed.

She'd text him the moment she had left work offering him dinner with her and Erwin, but he'd declined saying he was looking forward to a quiet night in. But did he really mean a night alone or a night with someone else?

"Rough day?" Erwin asked as she flopped onto the sofa.

"Yeah, I guess so." She half smiled as he kissed her forehead.

"Tea? Or something stronger?" He offered.

"Gin." She replied. "Thanks."

"Wow, that is a rough day." He laughed, walking into the kitchen.

Hanji nibbled her lip now she was alone, her mind still worrying about Levi. Wondering what he was doing and who with.

"Maybe we should go and see Levi?" Hani suggested, trying to sound casual but Erwin knew today was their sessions so he'd know something had happened.

"Why? Is he okay?" He frowned, leaning his head around the door.

"Yeah, he's fine." She attempted to dismiss, taking the drink from Erwin's hand.

"Did he say something today?"

"Even if he did, you know I wouldn't be able to tell you." She rolled her eyes. "I just want him to know we're here for him, if he needs us."

"That's sweet of you, but he knows that." Erwin smiled.

"I guess." She agreed.

What was she supposed to do? Force Erwin into babysitting duty for the week just in case Levi decided to seek out Eren again. She could hardly expect him to do that without a full explanation and that would break the oath she had taken.

As hard as it was, Hanji just had to trust Levi would make the smart decision and stay away.

…

Levi pressed play on YouTube and lay back on his sofa, the metronome he'd found was a bit mechanic but it was better than nothing. He was amazed that it had helped him so much earlier that he was using the technique again.

Sure, he'd had his moment earlier but that didn't mean there wasn't more to think about. He could forgive Eren but he couldn't forget. He needed to think of their relationship, both past and present and see whether they could come back from it.

It had all started when Eren was young, Levi hadn't even been aware what was happening. Eren and his father had come to see the victory march and he'd been mesmerised by Levi, this great hero that was everything Eren wanted to be. His father had given him something to aspire to when he grew up.

Then they met and everything changed, Eren realised that Levi wasn't a hero, just a man. And in turn, Levi saw Eren as a boy rather than the saviour he was made out to be. That was why it had been easy to fall in love, they saw each other's shortcomings and didn't care. It was a type of unconditional love Levi had never experienced before and he relished the feeling.

But like all lovers, they were damned from the start and soon Levi was taken from him, nothing more than a phantom of love once been.

Then there was nothing for Levi until they met again, but for Eren there had been so much. He'd had to carry on living, carry on the fight with the memories that refused to fade. A sad man, broken and defeated pining after someone dead and gone. Suddenly, thrust into a new life with a promise on his lips to find Levi.

Sure, he should have waited but Levi could finally understand why Eren had done what he did. The pain of losing a loved one would make you do things that you wouldn't normally, the desperation would take control.

Levi knew that feeling all to well, he felt it now. He knew he was hiding behind his fears of disappointing the others when all he wanted was to be with Eren. They wouldn't care because that was who they were. Unashamed and in love.

Unless, it was all the power of suggestion. That Eren had fed him lie after lie of past lives until it was so deeply rooted inside him that Levi believed he had come up with the ideas himself. He was impressionable and Eren had known exactly how to manipulate him.

"Fuck!" Levi called out, slamming his laptop shut. It wasn't working this time, the doubt was seeping in again.

He lay in silence for a while, but no great discovery came to him. He was just as confused as he always was, his mind jumping between love and hate when he thought about Eren. Why couldn't he just let it all go? Forget about the past and live in the present?

He gasped slightly when he heard a loud bump above him, sounding like someone had dropped something heavy on the ground. Which was strange in itself, because the last Levi knew the old couple who used to live there had moved into a retirement home.

"Eren." He whispered.

Of course, he lived directly above him, where else would he live? The universe liked to play a cruel game with Levi and this was obviously the most recent hand they had dealt.

Without thinking, Levi was rushing out of his apartment and up the stairs. Not even sure what he would say or do when he arrived. As he ran up the stairs the voices in his mind were fighting so much it made him want to scream, he practically doubled over in the confusion of his feelings.

 _He raped you, he's a disgusting excuse for a man and he doesn't deserve your forgiveness._

 _ **He loves you, he's always loved you. That's why he did what he did because of love.**_

 _If he really loved you he wouldn't have touched you, he would have respected you enough to wait._

 _ **Like you waited when he was just fifteen? You were hardly a saint, lusting after an underage child.**_

 _Love knows no age, that just proves how pure it was._

 _ **You're both disgusting, you deserve each other.**_

"Shut up." He growled, running his fingers through his hair.

With shaking hands, he reached up to knock on Eren's door, he wasn't even sure what he was feeling. Excitement. Anger. Fear. Love. It was all blurring into one. Even the voices in his head couldn't pick a side.

But when the door opened to a smiling Eren, saying his name in that soft way he always did Levi knew which was the strongest emotion he felt.

"Eren." Levi cried, throwing himself into the other man's arms, holding him tight for fear of losing him again.

Safe in Eren's arms again, Levi knew it was love.

…


End file.
